Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Who knew painting my toenails could be so emotional?

So earlier today, I was talking with a friend about pedicures. It reminded me of the last pedicure I got - the weekend before Chase was born. My brother-in-law was getting married, so I went with my mother-in-law and two of her friends to get pedicures before the big day. I got a very light pink color on my fingernails and toenails. Little did I know this color would become significant to me. Five days after my brother and sister-in-laws' wedding, I gave birth to Chase. Chase was born on April 21 and I didn't remove (what was left of) my light pink nail polish on my toenails until last Friday, July 22 - almost 3 months to the day. My fingernail polish has long since been removed because it was chipping, so I took it off probably a week or two later. I kept looking at my toenails thinking "Euuw...I really need to re-paint those" but then I would remember that I got that nail polish when Chase was with me. He was with me that day, at my brother-in-law's wedding and for five more days after that. I wore that light pink nail polish when I was in labor with him, and after, when I held his beautiful, lifeless body. I don't know why, but it was so hard for me to remove that nail polish. It was sad for me after I took it off of my fingernails, and maybe that's why I held off taking it off of my toenails? I'm not sure...but now that I have, I feel like it was a big step for me, however stupid it may sound. I will never forget my sweet little Chase, but at some point, I have to start moving on with my life. I won't be moving on by myself though - I have Greg by my side all the time, the Lord who is my strength, and I'll be carrying my sweet Chase in my heart.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Trying again...

Initially after losing Chase, the thought of getting pregnant again at all in the near future was daunting to me. It scared me to think about possibly losing another child and it scared me even more to think that if I did, Chase would be us, our families, friends and just people in general. It scared me so much that at my 2 week postpartum visit to my doctor, I asked for birth control! I have never taken birth control before, but I was willing to at this point to prevent a pregnancy. I have always heard of women being extremely fertile after having a baby and now I've heard, after having a loss as well. I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), so avoiding pregnancy was never really a problem. My body does that naturally. However, it seems that in some women with PCOS, this after birth/loss fertility boost was real. Some women will go on to get pregnant again and never have another problem conceiving, or just go on to having normal cycles again.

After taking the birth control for a month, I had time to calm down and quit freaking out about getting pregnant again. In that time, I started realizing that while I was still devastated from losing Chase, I DID want to be pregnant again. I came so close to finally having a child and being a Mommy. Don't get me wrong - Chase IS my child and I AM his Mommy, but we never get to spend time together here on Earth (besides my pregnancy). Our time will be in Heaven and I look forward to eternity with him so much! But now the dilemma is if I do get pregnant again, will he be forgotten? Will I be able to handle another pregnancy without going insane from the fears?

I have met with a MFM (Maternal Fetal Medicine - High risk) ob and she told me I would get a preventative cerclage placed around 14 weeks. On first thought, it sounds great, but then I start thinking...that's only 4 weeks before I started experiencing my symptoms from Incompetent Cervix when I was pregnant with Chase. Will that be soon enough? Will my water break anyways? What if I get an infection and my baby dies or my water breaks again and I have to deliver early again? These are just some of the questions and fears that I have rotating around in my head. But despite all the fear, Greg and I both feel like we are ready to move on and start the process of trying to get pregnant again. I'm sure it will be hard and even harder when I'm pregnant, because of all the memories I have of being pregnant with Chase, but this is what we have to do in order to have kids.

Initially, I had set Chase's due date (September 17) as the date we had to reach before trying again. But, now I don't feel like we need to get there first. That will still be a very hard and significant day for me, but it's not a necessity that we get there before trying to make Chase a big brother! I'm so excited, yet nervous to start this whole process. We have waited almost 6 years to become parents and even if we get pregnant soon, it will be at least 6 1/2 yrs before we bring a baby home! I hope I can relax and give my fears to God so I won't be a basketcase throughout this entire process! Easier said than done, though!

Monday, July 25, 2011

To my sweet little boy

Dear Chase,

I miss you so much, my sweet little boy. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me - being pregnant with you, and getting to be your Mommy. I wish so much that you were still here with us, safe inside of me. But you are with Jesus, and in all honesty, I know that you are in better hands there than you would be here. It is the selfish part of me that wants you here with me. I wanted to be able to hold you, rock you, nurse you, cuddle you, tickle you, teach you. I wanted to see who you would have looked like, what personality you would have had, what your interests would have been. We were lucky enough to get to see and hold you after you were born. You were so much more beautiful than I could have even imagined. You look a lot like your Daddy. You have his legs, knees, jawline, mouth and possibly eyes. You do have one thing of Mommy's though - you have my nose. I'm not sure what color hair you would have had, if it would have been straight like mine or curly like your Dad's. I'm also not sure what color eyes you would have had, but I know they would have melted my heart. I think about you every moment of every day. I may be able to have conversations with people and watch tv, but part of my thoughts are always on you. I honestly hope that never changes - it makes me feel connected to you. I used to be scared to die and go to Heaven, but now I would be happy to go to Heaven so I could join you. Please save a place for me and Daddy, sweet boy. We will join you as soon as we can. Until then, enjoy singing with the angels and playing in paradise.

All of my love,

Officially joining the "blogosphere"

For years, I have enjoyed reading blogs. Daily, I would go to my favorite blogs and read the updates and feel like I really got to know these people and their lives. I contemplated starting a blog, but who would want to read about my life - it is boring and honestly, I don't think anybody would care to read about it, including me! But now, after losing Chase, I have attempted to start keeping a journal to write my thoughts in, but it is so much easier to type than write! I have given myself a hand cramp every time I've written in my journal! So, for now, this is the easier option. I can write down what I'm thinking quickly and easily. I have been thinking about writing letters to Chase...maybe that can be my next entry.