...your therapist asks if you are taking hormones! She didn't mean it in a bad way and I didn't take offense to it, because honestly, I was surprised by how emotional I was yesterday during our therapy session. Yes, Greg and I have been seeing a therapist. No, I'm not ashamed of it. It has been a good way for both of us to express ourselves and how we're feeling because otherwise, we may not have said a lot of our feelings out loud to each other. I didn't want to become shut off from the world and unable to cope after losing Chase. It has obviously been the hardest thing I have ever gone through, but I wanted to be able to "recover" from it and not find myself stuck in a deep depression or suppressing my feelings and not dealing with them. I wanted to be able to feel the hurt and pain...and to deal with them. I think both Greg and I have done a good job at this. Men especially can be emotionally hard to read after something like this, but Greg has been great. He has cried with me, held me, talked to me, listened to me...he hasn't minimized our loss as a way to move on at all. He misses Chase as much as I do and he was crushed just as badly as I was by losing him.
In regards to my being so emotional - I'm guessing it has to do with a few things. One of which is that we just started my first cycle of "officially trying to conceive" again. I am on my 2nd day of the medicine, so we are just barely starting, but it still brings up a lot of emotions. We should be becoming parents next month, not just trying to get pregnant. We should be bringing our sweet Chase home from the hospital and be sleep-deprived, but happy. Instead, we may be starting our next round next month or possibly getting a positive pregnancy test. Exciting, but I so wish we were going to be bringing Chase home instead.
Also, there are a few people I knew who were also pregnant and close to me, one was my cousin who was about 5-6 weeks ahead of me and the other was a co-worker of my Mom and sister's who's about 5-6 weeks behind me. Well, my cousin just had her baby boy a few days ago and it hurts so much to know they're at home now with their little boy and I'll never get to have that with my sweet Chase. My Mom and sister's co-worker posted a picture of her pregnant belly on Facebook a few weeks ago and I nearly lost it. I haven't seen her since before she got pregnant, so it was so hard seeing her big belly and knowing mine would be like that too by now. I never really got to the point where I looked "pregnant." My family and friends could probably tell my stomach had gotten larger, but to most people, I'm sure I just looked fat (still). Another reason I'm extra emotional is probably because I'm on my period right now, so I'm sure that's making me extra emotional and hormonal.
The thing about grief is that it can be so unexpected. There have been certain things that I thought were going to be really hard for me and they turned out not to be and other times, I'm completely caught off-guard by the sadness. I have felt guilty for feeling too "ok" sometimes, so sometimes it's nice to feel the pain again. The pain is a reminder to me of how much I love and miss my sweet Chase and that his loss was real...that he was real.
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