One Year in Heaven

Happy 1st Birthday, Chase!

Chase Austin Miller

April 21, 2011

We miss you with all of our hearts and we can't wait until we get to be together again. Until then, enjoy praising Jesus and playing with all of your friends in Heaven!

We love you!
Mommy & Daddy



April

So...it's officially April, which means Chase's 1st birthday is looming. It also means that my anxiety has set in. It's so hard to believe it has been a year since Chase was born (& died). In fact, when I think about what month it is, my mind still automatically goes right back to April...of 2011. So, I guess it's that much harder to realize it's now a year later. My heart is still broken and the pain is still there. Has it gotten easier? Yes. Will I ever be "better" or "over it?" No! There hasn't been a day that's passed that I haven't thought about and longed for my sweet Chase. Actually, it's many times a day that I think about him and how much I miss him. So many things remind me of him - things I did/ate/places I went/what I watched when I was pregnant with him, then there's any mention of a pregnancy or baby - and believe me, those reminders are everywhere!

I think by now, everyone probably thinks that we're all better and have moved on. I guess if it were me before all of this happened, so would I. I was very upset when my grandma and grandpa passed away in a span of 7 months during my college years. However, a year later, I was doing much better. I no longer cried when I thought about it and I had come to accept it. But this is so different. After all, grandparents (sadly) are supposed to die. Babies are not. I feel like I am still new to grieving for my sweet baby boy. My pain is still so raw and it still feels like a part of me is gone....because it is. I am beginning to realize that I will feel this pain and emptiness for the rest of my Earthly life. Until I am made new and whole again in Heaven, my heart will ache for my son. And I'm ok with that. The pain and hurt I feel makes me remember him and know that he was real.

Not that I will ever forget him, but sometimes I feel like January - April of 2011 were just a big dream that I dreamt and that none of it was real. Was I really ever pregnant? Did I really feel those sweet first kicks just days before Chase was born? Did I have an emergency surgery, then give birth the next day? Did I hold my dead son and touch his cold, lifeless body? Did we have a funeral and bury my sweet baby? Did I really survive all of this?

Yes

In regards to Chase's 1st birthday, I think we are just going to go to the cemetery, maybe light a candle on a cupcake and sing Happy Birthday to him, then release sky lanterns after we leave. Who knows - maybe we'll even include dinner before. I loved the idea of the sky lanterns after seeing the movie Tangled and for some reason, it has always struck me how grief-stricken Rapunzel's parents are 18 years after having their daughter kidnapped. It's not the same as having their baby die, but their baby was still taken from them and they didn't know if she was still alive or not. I know that in another 17 years, I will still miss my Chase just as much then as I do today. In fact, perhaps even more.

I am trying to focus on each and every day so I don't let my emotions get the best of me, but I've already had a few mini-meltdowns over Chase's birthday. I hope I am able to feel him near me that day and I hope I am able to feel some peace. I love you, sweet boy and I miss you with all of my heart.

He's not finished with me yet

So I haven't written for a while. I'll think of things that I want to "write down" or post, but it's usually as I'm laying down to go to bed and of course, I either forget about them completely or can't remember exactly what it was I wanted to say. We are coming up on the 10 month anniversary of Chase's birthday/death and it is still shocking to me. My son died. He is in Heaven. I am still living here without him. I am trying to start thinking about his 1st birthday and trying to figure out exactly what it is we want to do that day. How do you celebrate the day your son died? But, at the same time, how do you not celebrate the day he was born, the short life he lived and the fact that he made you a mommy?


It will undeniably be a hard day full of mixed emotions, but I hope above all, I am able to feel peace. Peace doesn't mean that I am happy Chase is in Heaven and not here with us, nor does it mean I will be "over" losing him, but it will mean that I can finally begin to accept what happened, that I can't change it, and that my only choices are to: a) become a bitter and angry person, or b) bring glory to Him through Chase's life and death. I'm choosing b. I'm still working on it, and it may be a work in progress for a long time, but I refuse to let Chase's death turn me away from my Savior and make me a bitter person. I read something recently from a lady who also lost her baby, and she said something that really stuck with me.

"Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and your right hand delivers me. The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands." 

-Psalm 138: 7-8 (ESV)

Raechel read Psalm 138 while visiting her daughter Evie Grace's gravesite for the first time, and reflected on it with the following:

"I realized as I read that last portion of Psalm 138 that the Lord was doing a greater work in me. As I read at my daughter's graveside I was reminded that he will fulfill his purpose for me, not that he has. This season of my life will forever shape me, but it will not define me. It is not God's one and only effort to call me to himself and to mold me."

Wow. I guess up until now, I kept thinking that Chase's life and death was to bring myself (& Greg) closer to God. And while that may be true, I'm only now realizing that doesn't mean it is my purpose. My sweet little boy's purpose was at least partially to bring his mommy and daddy closer to the Lord. I don't think you can have a better purpose for your life, can you?


I guess I feel like "my story" was always going to be about infertility - our struggle to get pregnant, hopefully that had a happy ending with us having several children and a big, happy family. Now, it will obviously also include losing Chase. I don't know what else "my story" has left to tell though...only He does. As much as I miss my sweet baby boy and see how much he has impacted my life, he doesn't define who I am. He changed me, definitely. I am a much better, compassionate, loving, patient person because of Chase. He will always be part of my story, but he isn't the only chapter in it. It pains me to write all of this and acknowledge it, even though I know it is true.


I heard a song this morning on the radio that I hadn't heard in a while that fits in perfectly with what Raechel said and how I'm feeling. It is called "Wait and See" by Brandon Heath.

"There is hope, for me yet,
Because God won't forget,
All the plans He's made for me
I have to wait and see,
He's not finished with me yet,
He's not finished with me yet."

 

January 11, 2011

Last year on January 11th, I woke up early, about the same time as Greg, to get ready to make the 3-hour drive to San Antonio for my study appointment. It was my 3rd round on the medicine and it was beginning to feel routine to make that drive there about every 2 weeks or so. Greg went with me on occasion, but he certainly couldn't go with me every time I went. But for some reason, that morning, I really wanted him to go with me. I practically begged him and he kept saying he couldn't because he had to go to work. I understood that he had to go to work, but I just really wanted him to come. I think I ended up crying after he left to go to work, and while I was still getting ready and pouting, he ended up calling me saying he was going to come back home so he could go with me! I was so happy!

We made that drive together and honestly, I don't think either of us expected what happened that day to actually happen. We got to the study appointment a few minutes late (after waiting on Greg to get back home to leave again, it put us a few minutes behind) and I went in and peed in a cup first thing, as usual, then we went back to our room with my nurse Anna. I gave her my "journal" from that month, which included info like the days I took the medicine, intercourse, side effects, other medications, etc. As she was going through it, another lady popped her head in the door and said "positive." I heard her, but really didn't pay much attention until Anna turned and looked at us and said "Did you hear that? It's positive!" I think both mine and Greg's jaws hit the ground and we looked at each other and back at Anna like "WHAT?!?" We ended up sitting there in silence for what seemed like 5 minutes (it was probably only about 30 seconds) until Anna said "This is why you came, right?"

We assured her yes, of course, but wow...it was so unexpected even though we had been trying with fertility medicine for 3 months! We finished out the appointment with my stats and some blood work and all the nurses were grinning ear to ear and I think they were all so confused why I was so silent. I was in complete disbelief! I told them that the only other time I've had a positive pregnancy test (well, 2, actually), it ended the next day with me bleeding, so I really didn't trust a urine pregnancy test. They assured me they would get my blood results in for a quantitative HCG count and give me a call that next day.

After our appointment, we went to a local Target in San Antonio to waste some time before meeting with my brother-in-law, Chuck, to have lunch together. It gave us some time to try and absorb the information before we saw him so we didn't blurt it out! My Mom called me while we were there and I was able to smoothly lie to her and tell her the test was negative, it was just another appointment blah blah blah. I felt horrible for lying, but I certainly wasn't ready to share the news considering I wasn't overly convinced I was actually pregnant. While we were at Target, I even allowed myself to look around in the baby section. I ended up buying a cute Valentine's day dress for my niece, and I seriously considered buying one for Valentine's day of 2012 for our little baby. I didn't, but it was crazy just thinking about the idea that I may be able to buy baby clothes for my own baby soon! We left and had lunch with Chuck and told him pretty much the same lie as I'd told my Mom, then we headed home.

That car ride home was such a surreal experience because Greg was grilling me on all things pregnancy-related from what is HCG, to how far along I was, what would happen from there, etc. and I just kept answering him with "if I'm pregnant" and at one point, he was like "you are pregnant." I told him about my reservations and that I'd believe it when I got the blood test results. But I still allowed myself to wonder about the upcoming months and envision what the rest of the year would look like if I truly was pregnant. I remember it was such a beautiful drive back home that afternoon and it was like I was seeing the sun shine for the first time! But by the time we were going to bed that night, I was panicking about all the things we would have to buy, etc. for a baby! Babies are expensive! Greg assured me that we would just have to save and he was sure our families would pitch in and that everything would be ok. We were both so excited and nervous, all at the same time. I was already imagining what the rest of the year would look like, how the holiday season was going to be like with a newborn, etc.

So that is the story of us finding out that we were going to finally become parents. I wish I could go back and re-live that day so badly! To be so happy and excited about the prospect of a new, tiny life forming inside of me. Although I was scared and in denial, deep down I was completely excited and already in love with our sweet baby. I remember praying that night that this was real and that God would protect my baby.  And He did. Just not in the way I expected him to. January 11th will always be a wonderful day to look back on and remember all the hope and excitement. I hope that one day soon we'll get to experience this kind of feeling again with Chase's little brother or sister!

30 Days of What I'm Thankful For

Since it's November, Thanksgiving month, I jumped on the Facebook bandwagon of posting "30 Days of What I'm Thankful For." I have to admit - you wouldn't think being thankful for 30 things would be a difficult task, but especially right now, where there are some days I feel like everything in my life is going wrong, it's been somewhat difficult. But then I remember that I have SO many things to be thankful for. Jesus has blessed me far beyond what I deserve and I want to make sure that I am thankful for His blessings. So, here it goes!

Day 1 - My wonderful husband. Without him, I don't know that I would have survived this year, and honestly, I may not have wanted to.

Day 2 - Although our family may not fully understand what Greg and I have faced this year (& the 5yrs of infertility before), they have always been very supportive of us and are always there for us. I have realized that many people aren't nearly as fortunate.

Day 3 - Cooler weather! It actually feels like Fall today, and it is wonderful!

Day 4 - Today I am thankful for Greg's job at UPS. He may work 12-14hrs/day and we both get frustrated with it, but it is stable and it allows us to survive and pay our bills, as well as give us health insurance. Plus, it allows me the luxury of not having to have a real job...and hopefully one day, the luxury of getting to stay home with our children.

Day 5 - Today I am thankful for weekends - getting time to spend with Greg, catching up on errands, leisurely doing nothing, or having an exciting, full weekend. I love just having time to spend together.

Day 6 - Ladies Night Out (with some of my M.E.N.D. friends)

Day 7 - For days like today, when I am feeling defeated and doubtful, I am thankful for the Truth. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)"

Day 8 - Rainy days, movies and chocolate chip cookies! :)

Day 9 - Having lunch with my hubby! :)

Day 10 - Today I'm so thankful for the time I had being a Mommy. Chase was only with us a short 118 days, but that was enough time for him to capture my heart and teach me an entirely new kind of love I've never felt before or even known was possible. Those 118 days may be the only days I ever get on this Earth to be a Mommy, so I will cherish those each and every day. Until Heaven, sweet boy...<3

Day 11 - Today (& every day) I am thankful for all the men and women in the past, present or future who put their lives on the line to protect us and our freedoms. We should be thankful for them every day, not just today.


Day 12 - My niece and nephews: Christian, Mason and Lexi. I love them all so much and they light up my life so much. <3


Day 13 - The free movie we got to rent from our dvr! Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, part 2 :)


Day 14 - The Internet. Without it I wouldn't have met my wonderful husband or an amazing group of women who have also lost their babies. We support each other, grieve with each other and remember our babies together. They are all so special to me and have been such an integral part of my healing. Thanks ladies!

Day 15 - Today I am thankful that 6 years ago, I said "I do" to Greg. This past year has been both the best and worst year all wrapped up into one, but I know I wouldn't have survived it without him. I love you more each day, honey...I am blessed to be your wife and Chase is blessed to have you for his Daddy.

Day 16 - Greg getting out of work at a NORMAL time!!! :) We can do normal things like grocery shop and cook dinner!


Day 17 - My wonderful support group, M.E.N.D. (Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death). I am so blessed by this group and all the wonderful women in it. I am so thankful for our meeting tonight! :)


Day 18 - Date night with my hubby! :)


Day 19 - Getting to watch my niece and nephew to give my sister and brother-in-law a "date night."


Day 20 - Getting my hair cut!!


Day 21 - Seven months ago, I was given the greatest blessing in my life, Chase Austin Miller. After 5 long years of infertility, Chase made me a Mommy and Greg a Daddy. We miss him more than words can describe...there is a piece of both of our hearts that are missing because they are with him. We will never be the same people we were before him and we will miss him each second we are here on this Earth. But we know that Chase is waiting on us in Heaven - and we can't wait to join him!

Day 22 - All the things we take for granted - food, (running) water, clothing, shelter, cars, cable, Internet...the list could go on and on.


Day 23 - Answered prayer!!! (in reference to Kim's ultrasound showing a baby - unknown at the time that it would be 3! :) )


Day 24 - I am thankful for my family and friends, Greg and our sweet Chase, who reminds us of all of our blessings the Lord has given us and that this world is not our home. ♥  Happy Thanksgiving!


Day 25 - Today I am thankful to be celebrating my brother and his fiancée's engagement and future together! :)


Day 26 - Realizing today that we still have 2 days left in the weekend! :)


Day 27 - Greg put up our Christmas tree and was even able to fix the section of lights that was out on it! :)

Day 28 - I got to babysit for our friends boys today! I had a fun time with my "nephews!" :)

Day 29 - I'm thankful for being able to hang out with my sister and niece and nephew so easily these days, now that they moved close to us! :)


Day 30 - I am thankful for my Savior and I'm reminded as we embark on this Christmas season that it is all about Him. My sweet Chase is getting ready to celebrate Christmas with Jesus! Why should I be sad for him? I should be sad for myself and all the rest of us who don't get to experience that (yet) as well! I am sad that I am missing out on having him here with us, but I know Chase has it far better in Heaven. ♥

Why???

It's been a while since I wrote, and honestly, it's been an emotional roller-coaster lately. For obvious reasons, September was a hard month for me (Chase's due date was September 17th), but for some reason, October has been equally as hard. I think part of it may be because by now, Chase should have definitely been here. I should be snuggling and feeding my sweet boy, be sleep-deprived, yet happy. Instead I'm getting full nights' sleep - more than that even, simply because on days where I have nothing happening, what's the point of getting out of bed?

It's so hard seeing others who were pregnant near me having their babies and showing off their pictures and even complaining about the woes of motherhood, when all I want is to hold my sweet boy - even if just for one minute. I keep feeling that question sneak up on me again - why??? Why did this have to happen to us? Why, after 5 years, when we finally thought it was our turn to be parents was our sweet baby taken from us? Why do I feel like the people who are getting pregnant and bringing home babies aren't as deserving as we are? Why do people get accidentally get pregnant every day and have healthy babies and we can't even have 1 baby almost 6 years later? Why do people who abuse or neglect their children get pregnant every day, only to mistreat their children, or kill them? I thought I had gotten over this question of "why," but it seems to be resurfacing lately. I guess the truth is I will wonder why for the rest of my life. I can make assumptions or try and understand, but I will never truly know "why" until I meet Jesus face to face and ask Him why???

In the meantime, all that I can do is try and figure out a way to honor Chase and to remember him and to try and figure out what I can do to bring glory to God through this situation. I feel like there is something I should be doing to honor his life and help other parents who are also walking this road, but I have no idea what that is. I know God didn't do this for nothing - some good must come out of it. My sweet Chase wasn't for nothing. But I have to stop feeling so defeated and learn to just accept what happened and make light of it the best I can. Easier said than done!

First Month

Well, the first month of "trying to get pregnant" wasn't successful. I am sad, obviously, but I guess I never really expected this first month to pan out anyways. Last year, when I was in the medical study, I had 5 cycles in the study to attempt to get pregnant. The first cycle I was disappointed, but I knew we still had 4 left. After the second cycle was also negative, I started getting a little antsy. I never expected the third cycle to be successful for us - I'm not sure why. I guess I finally was able to relax that month and not think about it ALL THE TIME, so I just assumed we had relaxed a little too much. Plus, I didn't feel any "symptoms" before going to my appointment on January 11th. I can tell you, no one was more shocked than I was when the nurse popped her head in the door and said "it's positive!" Greg and I looked at each other and back at the nurse and we asked "really?" Then we sat in silence for a solid minute or two. Finally, the nurse said "this is why you're here, right?" Of course it was! We were just so shocked!

I still didn't truly believe that positive for another 2 days because they did some blood work that day and were supposed to call me back the next day, and instead, it took them 3 days to call me back! Finally, that Thursday night, I couldn't take it any longer and I took a home pregnancy test and lo and behold, it was positive! I called Greg and told him and he was like "well - they told us it was positive on Tuesday." Yes, I knew that, but I didn't believe it! I've had a positive pregnancy test before, only to start bleeding the very next day, so I guess you could say I was skeptical. I took a picture of that positive test on my phone that night and I was so scared, yet happy. Finally, on Friday afternoon, the nurse called and confirmed that I was indeed "very pregnant!"

I was so hoping to get to experience that excitement again a few days ago, but I guess it isn't our time yet. I know that God will allow me to get pregnant only when it is His will and according to His plan, so until then, I'm trying to remain patient. I'm going to be honest though...it's hard. I wish I didn't feel the need to be in control of things so badly, because in reality, I'm not in control at all! For several months now, I've been feeling like September was going to be the month I get pregnant again. I'm not sure if it's because Chase's due date is this month, or if it's because while it will be our 2nd medicated cycle trying to get pregnant, it will be our 3rd overall. It took us 3 cycles to get pregnant before, so I guess I have it in my head that it will take the same amount of time this time. I know, that really means nothing. But I can hope! Until then, I'm just going to keep praying for patience and that God will allow us to have more children.

Stand-still

Some days, like today, I find myself in a 'funk' and I don't feel like doing anything other than staying at home and confining myself to my little bubble. To be completely honest, I would really like to stay in bed all day, but at some point I normally force myself to get out of bed. It's days like today that are the hardest for me. I always think about Chase all day, each and every day. But on days like these, I allow myself to wonder what my day would be like instead, if I were still pregnant with him.

I would be 33 weeks pregnant right now and I can't help but thinking what that would be like. I'm sure by now, I'd be complaining about the horrible heat here in Houston, how it is even worse since being huge and pregnant. I'm sure I'd be feeling body aches and I'd be having trouble sleeping, most likely heartburn as well. But I would also be feeling my sweet little Chase kicking, punching, hiccuping, squirming and moving around inside of me. I got to feel his little kicks and movements for 2 glorious days before he was born. I remember feeling him kick for the last time right after they moved me into my delivery room. After that, I think I was too drugged and unconscious to recall if I felt him after that.

I would give anything to feel those sweet movements inside of me again. I can perfectly recall what they felt like and I miss them so much. It makes me sad that Greg never got to feel Chase kick from the outside - he was just too small. But I know by now, Greg would be able to feel him kick and probably see my stomach moving while he did it! I am so sad that there are a lifetime of memories we will miss out on with our sweet Chase. We will never see him as a full-term baby, cut his first tooth, takes his first steps, go to kindergarten, play sports/a musical instrument, get in a fight with his best friend, go out on his first date, experience his first heartache, graduate high school/college, get a job, get married, have his own children...the list could go on exponentially.

A couple weekends ago, my brother proposed to his long-time girlfriend. I am so happy for them that they are finally at this point and they can start planning their lives together. But at the same time, it is sad for me, because I realize that everyone else's lives are still continuing on, as if nothing ever happened, meanwhile I feel like my life is at a stand-still. I don't expect everyone to quit moving on and remain focused solely on us losing Chase, but Greg and I are still at that point.

We are going to start trying to get pregnant again this coming month, and while I'm very excited and nervous, I'm not able to plan anything yet. Even once I am able to (God-willing) get pregnant again, I'm not sure how long it will take me before I'm able to dream and plan for our future again. I am so scared of planning for another baby and envisioning our future together, just for it to be cut short, as it was with Chase. I want to trust in God and know that everything will be alright, but the truth is, I don't know what he has planned for us. Just because we already experienced infertility and lost Chase doesn't exclude us from having another heartache. We don't know what God's plan is for us and what His ultimate purpose is for us, Chase, and our future children. This is what scares me the most. I do know, however, that I will have to rely solely on God to get me through another pregnancy.

"The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away;
Blessed be the name of the LORD."  - Job 1:21