January 11, 2011

Last year on January 11th, I woke up early, about the same time as Greg, to get ready to make the 3-hour drive to San Antonio for my study appointment. It was my 3rd round on the medicine and it was beginning to feel routine to make that drive there about every 2 weeks or so. Greg went with me on occasion, but he certainly couldn't go with me every time I went. But for some reason, that morning, I really wanted him to go with me. I practically begged him and he kept saying he couldn't because he had to go to work. I understood that he had to go to work, but I just really wanted him to come. I think I ended up crying after he left to go to work, and while I was still getting ready and pouting, he ended up calling me saying he was going to come back home so he could go with me! I was so happy!

We made that drive together and honestly, I don't think either of us expected what happened that day to actually happen. We got to the study appointment a few minutes late (after waiting on Greg to get back home to leave again, it put us a few minutes behind) and I went in and peed in a cup first thing, as usual, then we went back to our room with my nurse Anna. I gave her my "journal" from that month, which included info like the days I took the medicine, intercourse, side effects, other medications, etc. As she was going through it, another lady popped her head in the door and said "positive." I heard her, but really didn't pay much attention until Anna turned and looked at us and said "Did you hear that? It's positive!" I think both mine and Greg's jaws hit the ground and we looked at each other and back at Anna like "WHAT?!?" We ended up sitting there in silence for what seemed like 5 minutes (it was probably only about 30 seconds) until Anna said "This is why you came, right?"

We assured her yes, of course, but wow...it was so unexpected even though we had been trying with fertility medicine for 3 months! We finished out the appointment with my stats and some blood work and all the nurses were grinning ear to ear and I think they were all so confused why I was so silent. I was in complete disbelief! I told them that the only other time I've had a positive pregnancy test (well, 2, actually), it ended the next day with me bleeding, so I really didn't trust a urine pregnancy test. They assured me they would get my blood results in for a quantitative HCG count and give me a call that next day.

After our appointment, we went to a local Target in San Antonio to waste some time before meeting with my brother-in-law, Chuck, to have lunch together. It gave us some time to try and absorb the information before we saw him so we didn't blurt it out! My Mom called me while we were there and I was able to smoothly lie to her and tell her the test was negative, it was just another appointment blah blah blah. I felt horrible for lying, but I certainly wasn't ready to share the news considering I wasn't overly convinced I was actually pregnant. While we were at Target, I even allowed myself to look around in the baby section. I ended up buying a cute Valentine's day dress for my niece, and I seriously considered buying one for Valentine's day of 2012 for our little baby. I didn't, but it was crazy just thinking about the idea that I may be able to buy baby clothes for my own baby soon! We left and had lunch with Chuck and told him pretty much the same lie as I'd told my Mom, then we headed home.

That car ride home was such a surreal experience because Greg was grilling me on all things pregnancy-related from what is HCG, to how far along I was, what would happen from there, etc. and I just kept answering him with "if I'm pregnant" and at one point, he was like "you are pregnant." I told him about my reservations and that I'd believe it when I got the blood test results. But I still allowed myself to wonder about the upcoming months and envision what the rest of the year would look like if I truly was pregnant. I remember it was such a beautiful drive back home that afternoon and it was like I was seeing the sun shine for the first time! But by the time we were going to bed that night, I was panicking about all the things we would have to buy, etc. for a baby! Babies are expensive! Greg assured me that we would just have to save and he was sure our families would pitch in and that everything would be ok. We were both so excited and nervous, all at the same time. I was already imagining what the rest of the year would look like, how the holiday season was going to be like with a newborn, etc.

So that is the story of us finding out that we were going to finally become parents. I wish I could go back and re-live that day so badly! To be so happy and excited about the prospect of a new, tiny life forming inside of me. Although I was scared and in denial, deep down I was completely excited and already in love with our sweet baby. I remember praying that night that this was real and that God would protect my baby.  And He did. Just not in the way I expected him to. January 11th will always be a wonderful day to look back on and remember all the hope and excitement. I hope that one day soon we'll get to experience this kind of feeling again with Chase's little brother or sister!

Trying again...

Initially after losing Chase, the thought of getting pregnant again at all in the near future was daunting to me. It scared me to think about possibly losing another child and it scared me even more to think that if I did, Chase would be forgotten...by us, our families, friends and just people in general. It scared me so much that at my 2 week postpartum visit to my doctor, I asked for birth control! I have never taken birth control before, but I was willing to at this point to prevent a pregnancy. I have always heard of women being extremely fertile after having a baby and now I've heard, after having a loss as well. I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), so avoiding pregnancy was never really a problem. My body does that naturally. However, it seems that in some women with PCOS, this after birth/loss fertility boost was real. Some women will go on to get pregnant again and never have another problem conceiving, or just go on to having normal cycles again.

After taking the birth control for a month, I had time to calm down and quit freaking out about getting pregnant again. In that time, I started realizing that while I was still devastated from losing Chase, I DID want to be pregnant again. I came so close to finally having a child and being a Mommy. Don't get me wrong - Chase IS my child and I AM his Mommy, but we never get to spend time together here on Earth (besides my pregnancy). Our time will be in Heaven and I look forward to eternity with him so much! But now the dilemma is if I do get pregnant again, will he be forgotten? Will I be able to handle another pregnancy without going insane from the fears?

I have met with a MFM (Maternal Fetal Medicine - High risk) ob and she told me I would get a preventative cerclage placed around 14 weeks. On first thought, it sounds great, but then I start thinking...that's only 4 weeks before I started experiencing my symptoms from Incompetent Cervix when I was pregnant with Chase. Will that be soon enough? Will my water break anyways? What if I get an infection and my baby dies or my water breaks again and I have to deliver early again? These are just some of the questions and fears that I have rotating around in my head. But despite all the fear, Greg and I both feel like we are ready to move on and start the process of trying to get pregnant again. I'm sure it will be hard and even harder when I'm pregnant, because of all the memories I have of being pregnant with Chase, but this is what we have to do in order to have kids.

Initially, I had set Chase's due date (September 17) as the date we had to reach before trying again. But, now I don't feel like we need to get there first. That will still be a very hard and significant day for me, but it's not a necessity that we get there before trying to make Chase a big brother! I'm so excited, yet nervous to start this whole process. We have waited almost 6 years to become parents and even if we get pregnant soon, it will be at least 6 1/2 yrs before we bring a baby home! I hope I can relax and give my fears to God so I won't be a basketcase throughout this entire process! Easier said than done, though!