Wednesday, January 11, 2012

January 11, 2011

Last year on January 11th, I woke up early, about the same time as Greg, to get ready to make the 3-hour drive to San Antonio for my study appointment. It was my 3rd round on the medicine and it was beginning to feel routine to make that drive there about every 2 weeks or so. Greg went with me on occasion, but he certainly couldn't go with me every time I went. But for some reason, that morning, I really wanted him to go with me. I practically begged him and he kept saying he couldn't because he had to go to work. I understood that he had to go to work, but I just really wanted him to come. I think I ended up crying after he left to go to work, and while I was still getting ready and pouting, he ended up calling me saying he was going to come back home so he could go with me! I was so happy!

We made that drive together and honestly, I don't think either of us expected what happened that day to actually happen. We got to the study appointment a few minutes late (after waiting on Greg to get back home to leave again, it put us a few minutes behind) and I went in and peed in a cup first thing, as usual, then we went back to our room with my nurse Anna. I gave her my "journal" from that month, which included info like the days I took the medicine, intercourse, side effects, other medications, etc. As she was going through it, another lady popped her head in the door and said "positive." I heard her, but really didn't pay much attention until Anna turned and looked at us and said "Did you hear that? It's positive!" I think both mine and Greg's jaws hit the ground and we looked at each other and back at Anna like "WHAT?!?" We ended up sitting there in silence for what seemed like 5 minutes (it was probably only about 30 seconds) until Anna said "This is why you came, right?"

We assured her yes, of course, but was so unexpected even though we had been trying with fertility medicine for 3 months! We finished out the appointment with my stats and some blood work and all the nurses were grinning ear to ear and I think they were all so confused why I was so silent. I was in complete disbelief! I told them that the only other time I've had a positive pregnancy test (well, 2, actually), it ended the next day with me bleeding, so I really didn't trust a urine pregnancy test. They assured me they would get my blood results in for a quantitative HCG count and give me a call that next day.

After our appointment, we went to a local Target in San Antonio to waste some time before meeting with my brother-in-law, Chuck, to have lunch together. It gave us some time to try and absorb the information before we saw him so we didn't blurt it out! My Mom called me while we were there and I was able to smoothly lie to her and tell her the test was negative, it was just another appointment blah blah blah. I felt horrible for lying, but I certainly wasn't ready to share the news considering I wasn't overly convinced I was actually pregnant. While we were at Target, I even allowed myself to look around in the baby section. I ended up buying a cute Valentine's day dress for my niece, and I seriously considered buying one for Valentine's day of 2012 for our little baby. I didn't, but it was crazy just thinking about the idea that I may be able to buy baby clothes for my own baby soon! We left and had lunch with Chuck and told him pretty much the same lie as I'd told my Mom, then we headed home.

That car ride home was such a surreal experience because Greg was grilling me on all things pregnancy-related from what is HCG, to how far along I was, what would happen from there, etc. and I just kept answering him with "if I'm pregnant" and at one point, he was like "you are pregnant." I told him about my reservations and that I'd believe it when I got the blood test results. But I still allowed myself to wonder about the upcoming months and envision what the rest of the year would look like if I truly was pregnant. I remember it was such a beautiful drive back home that afternoon and it was like I was seeing the sun shine for the first time! But by the time we were going to bed that night, I was panicking about all the things we would have to buy, etc. for a baby! Babies are expensive! Greg assured me that we would just have to save and he was sure our families would pitch in and that everything would be ok. We were both so excited and nervous, all at the same time. I was already imagining what the rest of the year would look like, how the holiday season was going to be like with a newborn, etc.

So that is the story of us finding out that we were going to finally become parents. I wish I could go back and re-live that day so badly! To be so happy and excited about the prospect of a new, tiny life forming inside of me. Although I was scared and in denial, deep down I was completely excited and already in love with our sweet baby. I remember praying that night that this was real and that God would protect my baby.  And He did. Just not in the way I expected him to. January 11th will always be a wonderful day to look back on and remember all the hope and excitement. I hope that one day soon we'll get to experience this kind of feeling again with Chase's little brother or sister!