Thursday, February 16, 2012

He's not finished with me yet

So I haven't written for a while. I'll think of things that I want to "write down" or post, but it's usually as I'm laying down to go to bed and of course, I either forget about them completely or can't remember exactly what it was I wanted to say. We are coming up on the 10 month anniversary of Chase's birthday/death and it is still shocking to me. My son died. He is in Heaven. I am still living here without him. I am trying to start thinking about his 1st birthday and trying to figure out exactly what it is we want to do that day. How do you celebrate the day your son died? But, at the same time, how do you not celebrate the day he was born, the short life he lived and the fact that he made you a mommy?

It will undeniably be a hard day full of mixed emotions, but I hope above all, I am able to feel peace. Peace doesn't mean that I am happy Chase is in Heaven and not here with us, nor does it mean I will be "over" losing him, but it will mean that I can finally begin to accept what happened, that I can't change it, and that my only choices are to: a) become a bitter and angry person, or b) bring glory to Him through Chase's life and death. I'm choosing b. I'm still working on it, and it may be a work in progress for a long time, but I refuse to let Chase's death turn me away from my Savior and make me a bitter person. I read something recently from a lady who also lost her baby, and she said something that really stuck with me.

"Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and your right hand delivers me. The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands." 
-Psalm 138: 7-8 (ESV)

Raechel read Psalm 138 while visiting her daughter Evie Grace's gravesite for the first time, and reflected on it with the following:

"I realized as I read that last portion of Psalm 138 that the Lord was doing a greater work in me. As I read at my daughter's graveside I was reminded that he will fulfill his purpose for me, not that he has. This season of my life will forever shape me, but it will not define me. It is not God's one and only effort to call me to himself and to mold me."
Wow. I guess up until now, I kept thinking that Chase's life and death was to bring myself (& Greg) closer to God. And while that may be true, I'm only now realizing that doesn't mean it is my purpose. My sweet little boy's purpose was at least partially to bring his mommy and daddy closer to the Lord. I don't think you can have a better purpose for your life, can you?

I guess I feel like "my story" was always going to be about infertility - our struggle to get pregnant, hopefully that had a happy ending with us having several children and a big, happy family. Now, it will obviously also include losing Chase. I don't know what else "my story" has left to tell though...only He does. As much as I miss my sweet baby boy and see how much he has impacted my life, he doesn't define who I am. He changed me, definitely. I am a much better, compassionate, loving, patient person because of Chase. He will always be part of my story, but he isn't the only chapter in it. It pains me to write all of this and acknowledge it, even though I know it is true.

I heard a song this morning on the radio that I hadn't heard in a while that fits in perfectly with what Raechel said and how I'm feeling. It is called "Wait and See" by Brandon Heath.

"There is hope, for me yet,
Because God won't forget,
All the plans He's made for me
I have to wait and see,
He's not finished with me yet,
He's not finished with me yet."