Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Fertility issues, revisited

So we're about to enter September, where we'll hit the one year anniversary of Chase's due date, or what should have been, his 1st birthday. Instead, we'll be hitting 1 year of trying to conceive again...with no luck. I guess after 5 years of infertility before Chase, it really comes as no surprise that we're having issues again. We really thought we had found our "magic pill" when I got pregnant so quickly while in the medical study, but apparently that was either a fluke or there's some other issues going on now.

However, just because we are still having fertility issues again doesn't mean we're ready to give up the dream to have biological children. In all honesty, I wish I could give up that dream. It would be so much easier. It is so emotionally exhausting having hope and continuously being let down month after month. But for some reason, even though I'm so emotionall exhausted and torn down, I still desperately want this dream for us. My entire life, I have always felt the tug on my heart towards adoption, but after becoming pregnant and then losing Chase, I don't feel like my heart is open to it right now. Seeing Chase and seeing how much he looked like Greg (& some like me), it makes me wonder what his little personality would have been like. I desperately want to have a child who has Greg's smarts, looks, and loving heart, as well as maybe some of my attitude! ;)

I don't think people mean to be insensitive, but when they suggest "why don't you just adopt?" or "have you thought about fostering?", I just want to scream at them! First of all, no - we've never heard of it - please enlighten us! And secondly, why is it ok for everyone else, including you, to be able to have their own children, etc but I am supposed to "settle" for adoption/fostering, etc? And I in no way think it is settling, but to everyone else, it is always option B, like it is second best. I do hope that one day, Greg and I will be open to adoption or even fostering again. But right now, it's not in our hearts, and it wouldn't be fair to accept a child into our home if our hearts weren't fully open to them. I also don't think Greg or I could handle bringing a child into our home through fostering, only to most likely have them taken back after we've fallen head-over-heels in love with that child. I don't think either of our hearts can take that right now.

So, if you know someone who is struggling with fertility, or have had pregnancy losses, or both, please do NOT suggest adoption, fostering, fertility treatments, etc to them unless you have been directly asked for advice or suggestions!! Believe me, I guarantee they know much more about said topic than you do because they are the ones currently experiencing it and they are the only ones who know all the details of what they are facing, even if you have struggled with the same thing in the past! Just offer support, an ear for listening and a shoulder for them to cry on!