It's been a while since I wrote, and honestly, it's been an emotional roller-coaster lately. For obvious reasons, September was a hard month for me (Chase's due date was September 17th), but for some reason, October has been equally as hard. I think part of it may be because by now, Chase should have definitely been here. I should be snuggling and feeding my sweet boy, be sleep-deprived, yet happy. Instead I'm getting full nights' sleep - more than that even, simply because on days where I have nothing happening, what's the point of getting out of bed?
It's so hard seeing others who were pregnant near me having their babies and showing off their pictures and even complaining about the woes of motherhood, when all I want is to hold my sweet boy - even if just for one minute. I keep feeling that question sneak up on me again - why??? Why did this have to happen to us? Why, after 5 years, when we finally thought it was our turn to be parents was our sweet baby taken from us? Why do I feel like the people who are getting pregnant and bringing home babies aren't as deserving as we are? Why do people get accidentally get pregnant every day and have healthy babies and we can't even have 1 baby almost 6 years later? Why do people who abuse or neglect their children get pregnant every day, only to mistreat their children, or kill them? I thought I had gotten over this question of "why," but it seems to be resurfacing lately. I guess the truth is I will wonder why for the rest of my life. I can make assumptions or try and understand, but I will never truly know "why" until I meet Jesus face to face and ask Him why???
In the meantime, all that I can do is try and figure out a way to honor Chase and to remember him and to try and figure out what I can do to bring glory to God through this situation. I feel like there is something I should be doing to honor his life and help other parents who are also walking this road, but I have no idea what that is. I know God didn't do this for nothing - some good must come out of it. My sweet Chase wasn't for nothing. But I have to stop feeling so defeated and learn to just accept what happened and make light of it the best I can. Easier said than done!