Why???

It's been a while since I wrote, and honestly, it's been an emotional roller-coaster lately. For obvious reasons, September was a hard month for me (Chase's due date was September 17th), but for some reason, October has been equally as hard. I think part of it may be because by now, Chase should have definitely been here. I should be snuggling and feeding my sweet boy, be sleep-deprived, yet happy. Instead I'm getting full nights' sleep - more than that even, simply because on days where I have nothing happening, what's the point of getting out of bed?

It's so hard seeing others who were pregnant near me having their babies and showing off their pictures and even complaining about the woes of motherhood, when all I want is to hold my sweet boy - even if just for one minute. I keep feeling that question sneak up on me again - why??? Why did this have to happen to us? Why, after 5 years, when we finally thought it was our turn to be parents was our sweet baby taken from us? Why do I feel like the people who are getting pregnant and bringing home babies aren't as deserving as we are? Why do people get accidentally get pregnant every day and have healthy babies and we can't even have 1 baby almost 6 years later? Why do people who abuse or neglect their children get pregnant every day, only to mistreat their children, or kill them? I thought I had gotten over this question of "why," but it seems to be resurfacing lately. I guess the truth is I will wonder why for the rest of my life. I can make assumptions or try and understand, but I will never truly know "why" until I meet Jesus face to face and ask Him why???

In the meantime, all that I can do is try and figure out a way to honor Chase and to remember him and to try and figure out what I can do to bring glory to God through this situation. I feel like there is something I should be doing to honor his life and help other parents who are also walking this road, but I have no idea what that is. I know God didn't do this for nothing - some good must come out of it. My sweet Chase wasn't for nothing. But I have to stop feeling so defeated and learn to just accept what happened and make light of it the best I can. Easier said than done!


Well...in regards to trying to get pregnant again, we're on our 3rd round right now and honestly, I'm starting to feel a bit defeated here as well. I know it's only our 3rd round and it took 3 rounds to get pregnant with Chase, but my doctor mentioned the words "trigger shot" and "IUI" at my last appointment and that scares me! She wasn't trying to force them on me, and she did say it was premature to be talking about them now - that those were for further down the line, but I can't help but wonder what if we get there, then what? Our insurance does not cover "fertility treatments" - they only cover the cause of infertility, ie treating my PCOS with Metformin, etc because it is causing my infertility. So I'm pretty sure they wouldn't cover a trigger shot (to force me to ovulate) or an IUI (intrauterine insemination)...which would leave us where?

I really hope that I'm thinking way too far ahead, but I truly don't know what we will do if a few more months pass and I still haven't conceived. I guess we could always try Clomid, as discusssed with my doctor, but I'm just not sure about the side effects it has, so I'm afraid to try it. Ugh. Well, I guess there's no use stressing about it now...we'll wait and see what happens. I just know both Greg and I are so ready to be parents and while we are Chase's Mommy and Daddy, we'll never get to parent him until we're in Heaven - and I have a feeling that will be an entirely different parenting experience! :) We were so close to finally having our own child to raise and that has made our want even stronger. I know I just have to trust in the Lord and He will do it in His own time, according to His plan, not ours. I'm just not a very patient person!