Mother's Day

It is May 15th. I have officially survived my 2nd Mother's Day. Both with empty arms. I have to say I think Mother's Day this year was almost harder than Chase's birthday. I knew Chase's birthday was coming up and while I was dreading it, I also think I was looking forward to getting past it. I knew it would be hard facing the day without him and remembering everything that had happened a year ago. It was an emotional day and an emotional week or two leading up to it, but overall, I felt a lot of peace the day of. I did hide out in bed for the first part of the day, then after a cry and praying with my husband, we were ready to face the day. The rest of the day I was able to hold myself together and just focus on my sweet boy and dare I say, enjoy it. And I'll admit, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders after we passed his birthday. Whew. That's over...and so is the last of the 'firsts' since his death. We've faced every first holiday, birthday, season, anniversary and day of the year since Chase's death and we survived.

Then Mother's Day started to sneak up on me. I hadn't even really given it a second thought until after Chase's birthday came and went...then that horrible dread took over. I hate Mother's Day. It is a painful day and I always feel like it points out how inadequate I am. For 5 years I faced the day with the desperate longing to be a mother. Of course, you see all the beautiful families with precious children and the moms looking so natural and happy. Then there is me. Me and my husband. Just us. Again. For 5 consecutive Mother's Days. Then finally, 2011 was going to be my year! I could stand up in church and accept carnations because I was finally going to be a mother! Only, it looked a lot differently than I had imagined. My first Mother's Day was 2.5 weeks after Chase went to Heaven. It was not a good day, to say the least, but I think I was still in so much shock, it didn't really hurt any more than any other day did at that point. A slap in the face? Yes. So, while many people told me "Happy Mother's Day" last year by way of cards, texts, and facebook messages, it was appreciated; however, that made me wonder if I would be acknowledged this year. I still got some "Happy Mother's Day" greetings this year, but nearly all were from my family and fellow baby-loss moms. Not that I didn't appreciate them...I very much did, but just as I suspected, society doesn't see me as a mother.

I guess I can't blame them...what do I have to show that I am a mother? The only sleepless nights I have come from a day of doing too little and spending too much time sleeping the night before, so I am not tired easily. I don't have big birthday parties for my son at the bounce houses, we have them at the cemetery. We are on time to holidays at family's houses because there are no children to get ready, unless of course, I'm too busy crying in the bathroom to get ready on time. We have plenty of money because we don't have to buy formula or diapers, unless of course, the hospital bills from my delivery count...then there's also the money we're paying to the RE for fertility treatments. We have no child because Chase wasn't real - he never existed, he was just a miscarriage - so I guess the kicks I felt just an hour before he was born don't count then...neither does his fingernails, his sweet face that looks so much like his Daddy's or the nose he inherited from me. We don't know the love that a parent feels for their child...funny, because if I didn't feel that love I don't think my entire life would have changed because of him and I wouldn't have a huge hole in my heart now. But no, I guess they're right, I'm not a mother.