It's been a while since I've written...I always find myself wanting to write things down on here as a way to express myself and get out some of these emotions, but the task of actually writing them can seem exhausting. So I guess I'll start where I left off. I last wrote at the end of May, a few days after my 29th birthday. For some reason, my birthday was a really hard trigger for me this year. I think it's because it finally kind of hit me that this is my last year in my twenties - I'm getting old(er). And the fact is, I've spent a majority of my twenties trying to get pregnant and have a baby. Yet, here I am, 29 years old and no baby on my hip, but a precious and beautiful baby boy waiting on me in Heaven.
I used to dream about getting married at 23, having my first baby at 25 or so and my second by 28 at the latest, then moving on to my third around 30. I grew up with 4 children in my family - 2 girls, 2 boys and while we all fought just as much as your average siblings do, I always thought it was awesome that we were even, two of each. I decided I would have the same one day! I'm not exactly sure how I planned on getting 2 of each, since it's obviously not up to me, but I guess I just assumed it would happen, much like I assumed I'd be able to get pregnant, just because I wanted to. However, even then, somewhere in the back of my mind, I was always terrified of not being able to get pregnant. For years, I told people that I was scared that was in my future and I used to hear a lot of "don't worry about that now" or "why would you think that" or "don't create a self-fulfilling prophecy", etc.
I don't think I created a self-fulfilled prophecy. I didn't make myself infertile. I just am. Of course, I wonder if part of it is because I've always had strange cycles, so maybe I sensed something wasn't right with myself? Who knows. But, it is interesting that I feared infertility, only for it to come true and I also kept coming across stories of people losing their babies during pregnancy or soon after for a couple years before I myself became pregnant. I remember telling my sister a couple years ago "I think I'm being prepared for something." I'm not sure exactly what she thought about it, but I felt like God was leading me to finding these stories and to see how He was using these precious little lives to reach others and touch many lives.
I think that is part of why I want to find a purpose in all of this. I believe that God wouldn't have allowed us to suffer with infertility for 5 years, then to finally get pregnant, only to lose our son without there being a purpose behind it. He had a purpose for my sweet Chase's life. I may not ever know what His true purpose was or know all the reasons behind it, but I do know that I have already seen blessings from his short life. At the end of my support group meetings, we all go around the room and tell a blessing that has come from our baby's lives. It is because we believe our babies were blessings from God, that their lives had purpose. It certainly doesn't mean we are happy that our babies died, but it means that we are choosing to believe His hand was in it and that good will come out of a painful situation and that we are trusting Him.
I recently started seeing our therapist again, since I was having such a hard time. Even after just seeing her again the first time, I have been feeling better. I'm still not sure why just talking out loud about all the things in your head and having someone validate your feelings is so liberating, but it is. I had Greg go with me, even though it was mainly just for me. But it's a good way for me to "tell" him how I'm feeling, because otherwise, I'm not very good at expressing everything I'm feeling. I need to get better about it...I miss how open our communication was in the days and weeks immediately following Chase's death. We told each other how we were feeling, what we were thinking, we cried openly, etc. I'm not sure exactly when that changed, but at some point, I started guarding my feelings again and pushing my emotions aside for when I am alone. Maybe my therapist can work with me on this as well? I know I frustrate Greg with my lack of communication when I am obviously having a hard day. It's just hard to open up.
Since I was having issues with the feeling of wasting the past year of my life doing nothing, besides grieving, my therapist suggested I find something to do with my time. I had been thinking about getting a job, but was unsure if I really wanted to. Back when we first started trying to get pregnant again, last August/September, I thought it would be relatively quick again, like it was with Chase, so I should be pregnant in 3 cycles or so. Then, since I would be having surgery to have the cerclage placed around 12-14 weeks into my pregnancy, with a high chance of bed rest after that, I decided there was no point in getting a job for what should be a very short amount of time.
Now that pregnancy isn't coming as easily and looks like it won't happen without really expensive fertility treatments, I figured I might as well at least get a part-time job to keep me busy, help me get out of the house and stay social, as well as earning money that can be used for fertility treatments. So, I have applied and interviewed at one place and I'm waiting to hear back if I got that job or not. I guess if not, I'll try somewhere else. Then maybe in a month or two, we can go back to the RE and try another cycle, or proceed with the exploratory surgery to see if I indeed do have scar tissue on my uterus that is preventing me from getting pregnant. Hopefully that won't be needed, but I'd also hate to waste more money into cycles that won't work in the first place because of the scar tissue. So I guess that brings me to where I currently am. Hopefully I will start feeling even better and may have some great news in a few months!