I realized that many of you probably don't know the details about what happened with Chase, other than I had him too early for him to survive. While this is true, I would like to share the details so you can all know what really happened.
On April 19th, Greg and I went to have our big ultrasound - the anatomy scan where we found out we would be having a sweet little boy! That evening, I had some spotting, so I put my feet up and parked it on the couch for the entire evening while Greg made us dinner, etc. I wasn't too concerned because I was going back to the doctor in the morning for a regular check up.
The next morning, I had some more spotting, so I told Greg and we decided I should mention it to my doctor. I did while I was there and she decided to check to see if I had an infection called bacterial vaginosis. This is when she stopped and looked at me and said "Don't freak out (I immediately start freaking out), but you're dilated and I can feel your bag of water right here." She then went on to tell me she was calling an ambulance to take me to the hospital for an emergency cerclage (a cervical stitch to close my cervix and hopefully prevent me from going into labor). From that moment on, I wasn't even allowed to sit back up to redress myself - I had to lay on my back.
We made phone calls to our families while waiting on the ambulance, then I was on my way to the hospital. I found out from the EMT in the ambulance that I was 4cm dilated - then I really started freaking out. How could I NOT know that I'm 4cm dilated?? A few hours after being at the hospital, I had surgery to have my cerclage placed and my doctor was successfully able to place it and we hoped for the best.
However, as soon as I woke up from surgery, I had contractions. I was on Magnesium Sulfate to help stop my contractions and it also had the great side effect of making me extremely hot and really sleepy. I could barely keep my eyes open for more than a few minutes over the next 30 hours or so. But since we still hadn't announced if we were having a boy/girl, we did it at the hospital that evening. I made Easter eggs (Easter was that coming weekend) and there were pink/purple ones and blue/green ones that everyone was supposed to pick a boy/girl color based on their prediction and open it to find out if they were right or wrong. Somehow, I had put all the 'correct' ones in the pink/purple eggs and the 'wrong' ones in the green/blue eggs. There was a moment of confusion when everyone opened them and started saying "it's a girl!" and finally I was like "no it's not - it's a boy!!" There's that wonderful "baby brain" for ya!
Most of the next day, I hardly remember any of until that evening when my contractions really started picking up and I kept thinking I was peeing on myself, but I had a catheter, so that wasn't possible. My amniotic fluid was leaking. I told the nurse this repeatedly and for some reason, she either didn't seem too concerned or didn't believe me. Finally after my contractions were coming about every 10 minutes, then every 5, did the nurse finally call my doctor and they confirmed my amniotic fluid was indeed leaking.
They moved me to another room - what I didn't know at that moment was that it was a delivery room. I asked Greg to tell our families what was happening. I think he understood much more than I did what was about to happen because he sent them a 911 text telling them to come ASAP, even though they had all just left the hospital a little over an hour before. The next thing I remember was waking up and my doctor telling me there was nothing else we could do, she was going to start "reversing what we had been doing," and she asked if I wanted an epidural. My heart broke right then and there. I asked her if there was nothing else we could do and she told me unfortunately, no.
I'll spare you the details, but she removed my cerclage and they induced labor and my sweet Chase was born only about an hour or so later. I remember him being born, then passing back out and the next time I woke up, he was in my arms. I had no idea how long it had been (1-2hrs since he was born), our entire family was standing around us and I looked down at my sweet little boy. I asked if he was cold and when no one answered, I touched his sweet little hand and fingers. He was cold, but he was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen and I was surprised at how much he already looked like a little person. He looked so much like Greg - his jaw, mouth, his knees and legs. The only thing I know for sure he got from me was my nose. I wish I had more time to study and look at him, but I asked Greg if he'd held him and I passed him off to Greg and quickly passed out again. The next time I woke up, he was gone and I didn't get the chance to see him again until the day we had his funeral. I had insisted we have some time before his funeral for us to see him and take some pictures of him, since the only ones we took at the hospital were on a cell phone. Unfortunately, no one had a camera that night. I wish so much I had better pictures of him, but I know I will never forget his sweet face and his will be the first face I look for in Heaven after I meet my Savior.
The condition that I have that led to my cervix dilating prematurely is called Cervical Insufficiency or Incompetent Cervix. In all future pregnancies, I will have a cerclage placed around 12-14 weeks during pregnancy to hopefully hold my cervix closed until I'm full-term. This is not a perfect fix and sometimes, the cerclage can fail and you can dilate anyways or your membranes will rupture. Please be keeping Greg and I in your prayers as we continue to grieve and as we start thinking about trying again. It took us 5 yrs to conceive our sweet little Chase, and it's so hard knowing that we should be becoming parents next month. Instead we have to start all over again.
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