Stand-still

Some days, like today, I find myself in a 'funk' and I don't feel like doing anything other than staying at home and confining myself to my little bubble. To be completely honest, I would really like to stay in bed all day, but at some point I normally force myself to get out of bed. It's days like today that are the hardest for me. I always think about Chase all day, each and every day. But on days like these, I allow myself to wonder what my day would be like instead, if I were still pregnant with him.

I would be 33 weeks pregnant right now and I can't help but thinking what that would be like. I'm sure by now, I'd be complaining about the horrible heat here in Houston, how it is even worse since being huge and pregnant. I'm sure I'd be feeling body aches and I'd be having trouble sleeping, most likely heartburn as well. But I would also be feeling my sweet little Chase kicking, punching, hiccuping, squirming and moving around inside of me. I got to feel his little kicks and movements for 2 glorious days before he was born. I remember feeling him kick for the last time right after they moved me into my delivery room. After that, I think I was too drugged and unconscious to recall if I felt him after that.

I would give anything to feel those sweet movements inside of me again. I can perfectly recall what they felt like and I miss them so much. It makes me sad that Greg never got to feel Chase kick from the outside - he was just too small. But I know by now, Greg would be able to feel him kick and probably see my stomach moving while he did it! I am so sad that there are a lifetime of memories we will miss out on with our sweet Chase. We will never see him as a full-term baby, cut his first tooth, takes his first steps, go to kindergarten, play sports/a musical instrument, get in a fight with his best friend, go out on his first date, experience his first heartache, graduate high school/college, get a job, get married, have his own children...the list could go on exponentially.

A couple weekends ago, my brother proposed to his long-time girlfriend. I am so happy for them that they are finally at this point and they can start planning their lives together. But at the same time, it is sad for me, because I realize that everyone else's lives are still continuing on, as if nothing ever happened, meanwhile I feel like my life is at a stand-still. I don't expect everyone to quit moving on and remain focused solely on us losing Chase, but Greg and I are still at that point.

We are going to start trying to get pregnant again this coming month, and while I'm very excited and nervous, I'm not able to plan anything yet. Even once I am able to (God-willing) get pregnant again, I'm not sure how long it will take me before I'm able to dream and plan for our future again. I am so scared of planning for another baby and envisioning our future together, just for it to be cut short, as it was with Chase. I want to trust in God and know that everything will be alright, but the truth is, I don't know what he has planned for us. Just because we already experienced infertility and lost Chase doesn't exclude us from having another heartache. We don't know what God's plan is for us and what His ultimate purpose is for us, Chase, and our future children. This is what scares me the most. I do know, however, that I will have to rely solely on God to get me through another pregnancy.

"The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away;
Blessed be the name of the LORD."  - Job 1:21