Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Trying again...

Initially after losing Chase, the thought of getting pregnant again at all in the near future was daunting to me. It scared me to think about possibly losing another child and it scared me even more to think that if I did, Chase would be forgotten...by us, our families, friends and just people in general. It scared me so much that at my 2 week postpartum visit to my doctor, I asked for birth control! I have never taken birth control before, but I was willing to at this point to prevent a pregnancy. I have always heard of women being extremely fertile after having a baby and now I've heard, after having a loss as well. I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), so avoiding pregnancy was never really a problem. My body does that naturally. However, it seems that in some women with PCOS, this after birth/loss fertility boost was real. Some women will go on to get pregnant again and never have another problem conceiving, or just go on to having normal cycles again.

After taking the birth control for a month, I had time to calm down and quit freaking out about getting pregnant again. In that time, I started realizing that while I was still devastated from losing Chase, I DID want to be pregnant again. I came so close to finally having a child and being a Mommy. Don't get me wrong - Chase IS my child and I AM his Mommy, but we never get to spend time together here on Earth (besides my pregnancy). Our time will be in Heaven and I look forward to eternity with him so much! But now the dilemma is if I do get pregnant again, will he be forgotten? Will I be able to handle another pregnancy without going insane from the fears?

I have met with a MFM (Maternal Fetal Medicine - High risk) ob and she told me I would get a preventative cerclage placed around 14 weeks. On first thought, it sounds great, but then I start thinking...that's only 4 weeks before I started experiencing my symptoms from Incompetent Cervix when I was pregnant with Chase. Will that be soon enough? Will my water break anyways? What if I get an infection and my baby dies or my water breaks again and I have to deliver early again? These are just some of the questions and fears that I have rotating around in my head. But despite all the fear, Greg and I both feel like we are ready to move on and start the process of trying to get pregnant again. I'm sure it will be hard and even harder when I'm pregnant, because of all the memories I have of being pregnant with Chase, but this is what we have to do in order to have kids.

Initially, I had set Chase's due date (September 17) as the date we had to reach before trying again. But, now I don't feel like we need to get there first. That will still be a very hard and significant day for me, but it's not a necessity that we get there before trying to make Chase a big brother! I'm so excited, yet nervous to start this whole process. We have waited almost 6 years to become parents and even if we get pregnant soon, it will be at least 6 1/2 yrs before we bring a baby home! I hope I can relax and give my fears to God so I won't be a basketcase throughout this entire process! Easier said than done, though!

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