I realized that many of you probably don't know the details about what happened with Chase, other than I had him too early for him to survive. While this is true, I would like to share the details so you can all know what really happened.
On April 19th, Greg and I went to have our big ultrasound - the anatomy scan where we found out we would be having a sweet little boy! That evening, I had some spotting, so I put my feet up and parked it on the couch for the entire evening while Greg made us dinner, etc. I wasn't too concerned because I was going back to the doctor in the morning for a regular check up.
The next morning, I had some more spotting, so I told Greg and we decided I should mention it to my doctor. I did while I was there and she decided to check to see if I had an infection called bacterial vaginosis. This is when she stopped and looked at me and said "Don't freak out (I immediately start freaking out), but you're dilated and I can feel your bag of water right here." She then went on to tell me she was calling an ambulance to take me to the hospital for an emergency cerclage (a cervical stitch to close my cervix and hopefully prevent me from going into labor). From that moment on, I wasn't even allowed to sit back up to redress myself - I had to lay on my back.
We made phone calls to our families while waiting on the ambulance, then I was on my way to the hospital. I found out from the EMT in the ambulance that I was 4cm dilated - then I really started freaking out. How could I NOT know that I'm 4cm dilated?? A few hours after being at the hospital, I had surgery to have my cerclage placed and my doctor was successfully able to place it and we hoped for the best.
However, as soon as I woke up from surgery, I had contractions. I was on Magnesium Sulfate to help stop my contractions and it also had the great side effect of making me extremely hot and really sleepy. I could barely keep my eyes open for more than a few minutes over the next 30 hours or so. But since we still hadn't announced if we were having a boy/girl, we did it at the hospital that evening. I made Easter eggs (Easter was that coming weekend) and there were pink/purple ones and blue/green ones that everyone was supposed to pick a boy/girl color based on their prediction and open it to find out if they were right or wrong. Somehow, I had put all the 'correct' ones in the pink/purple eggs and the 'wrong' ones in the green/blue eggs. There was a moment of confusion when everyone opened them and started saying "it's a girl!" and finally I was like "no it's not - it's a boy!!" There's that wonderful "baby brain" for ya!
Most of the next day, I hardly remember any of until that evening when my contractions really started picking up and I kept thinking I was peeing on myself, but I had a catheter, so that wasn't possible. My amniotic fluid was leaking. I told the nurse this repeatedly and for some reason, she either didn't seem too concerned or didn't believe me. Finally after my contractions were coming about every 10 minutes, then every 5, did the nurse finally call my doctor and they confirmed my amniotic fluid was indeed leaking.
They moved me to another room - what I didn't know at that moment was that it was a delivery room. I asked Greg to tell our families what was happening. I think he understood much more than I did what was about to happen because he sent them a 911 text telling them to come ASAP, even though they had all just left the hospital a little over an hour before. The next thing I remember was waking up and my doctor telling me there was nothing else we could do, she was going to start "reversing what we had been doing," and she asked if I wanted an epidural. My heart broke right then and there. I asked her if there was nothing else we could do and she told me unfortunately, no.
I'll spare you the details, but she removed my cerclage and they induced labor and my sweet Chase was born only about an hour or so later. I remember him being born, then passing back out and the next time I woke up, he was in my arms. I had no idea how long it had been (1-2hrs since he was born), our entire family was standing around us and I looked down at my sweet little boy. I asked if he was cold and when no one answered, I touched his sweet little hand and fingers. He was cold, but he was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen and I was surprised at how much he already looked like a little person. He looked so much like Greg - his jaw, mouth, his knees and legs. The only thing I know for sure he got from me was my nose. I wish I had more time to study and look at him, but I asked Greg if he'd held him and I passed him off to Greg and quickly passed out again. The next time I woke up, he was gone and I didn't get the chance to see him again until the day we had his funeral. I had insisted we have some time before his funeral for us to see him and take some pictures of him, since the only ones we took at the hospital were on a cell phone. Unfortunately, no one had a camera that night. I wish so much I had better pictures of him, but I know I will never forget his sweet face and his will be the first face I look for in Heaven after I meet my Savior.
The condition that I have that led to my cervix dilating prematurely is called Cervical Insufficiency or Incompetent Cervix. In all future pregnancies, I will have a cerclage placed around 12-14 weeks during pregnancy to hopefully hold my cervix closed until I'm full-term. This is not a perfect fix and sometimes, the cerclage can fail and you can dilate anyways or your membranes will rupture. Please be keeping Greg and I in your prayers as we continue to grieve and as we start thinking about trying again. It took us 5 yrs to conceive our sweet little Chase, and it's so hard knowing that we should be becoming parents next month. Instead we have to start all over again.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
You know you're emotional when...
...your therapist asks if you are taking hormones! She didn't mean it in a bad way and I didn't take offense to it, because honestly, I was surprised by how emotional I was yesterday during our therapy session. Yes, Greg and I have been seeing a therapist. No, I'm not ashamed of it. It has been a good way for both of us to express ourselves and how we're feeling because otherwise, we may not have said a lot of our feelings out loud to each other. I didn't want to become shut off from the world and unable to cope after losing Chase. It has obviously been the hardest thing I have ever gone through, but I wanted to be able to "recover" from it and not find myself stuck in a deep depression or suppressing my feelings and not dealing with them. I wanted to be able to feel the hurt and pain...and to deal with them. I think both Greg and I have done a good job at this. Men especially can be emotionally hard to read after something like this, but Greg has been great. He has cried with me, held me, talked to me, listened to me...he hasn't minimized our loss as a way to move on at all. He misses Chase as much as I do and he was crushed just as badly as I was by losing him.
In regards to my being so emotional - I'm guessing it has to do with a few things. One of which is that we just started my first cycle of "officially trying to conceive" again. I am on my 2nd day of the medicine, so we are just barely starting, but it still brings up a lot of emotions. We should be becoming parents next month, not just trying to get pregnant. We should be bringing our sweet Chase home from the hospital and be sleep-deprived, but happy. Instead, we may be starting our next round next month or possibly getting a positive pregnancy test. Exciting, but I so wish we were going to be bringing Chase home instead.
Also, there are a few people I knew who were also pregnant and close to me, one was my cousin who was about 5-6 weeks ahead of me and the other was a co-worker of my Mom and sister's who's about 5-6 weeks behind me. Well, my cousin just had her baby boy a few days ago and it hurts so much to know they're at home now with their little boy and I'll never get to have that with my sweet Chase. My Mom and sister's co-worker posted a picture of her pregnant belly on Facebook a few weeks ago and I nearly lost it. I haven't seen her since before she got pregnant, so it was so hard seeing her big belly and knowing mine would be like that too by now. I never really got to the point where I looked "pregnant." My family and friends could probably tell my stomach had gotten larger, but to most people, I'm sure I just looked fat (still). Another reason I'm extra emotional is probably because I'm on my period right now, so I'm sure that's making me extra emotional and hormonal.
The thing about grief is that it can be so unexpected. There have been certain things that I thought were going to be really hard for me and they turned out not to be and other times, I'm completely caught off-guard by the sadness. I have felt guilty for feeling too "ok" sometimes, so sometimes it's nice to feel the pain again. The pain is a reminder to me of how much I love and miss my sweet Chase and that his loss was real...that he was real.
In regards to my being so emotional - I'm guessing it has to do with a few things. One of which is that we just started my first cycle of "officially trying to conceive" again. I am on my 2nd day of the medicine, so we are just barely starting, but it still brings up a lot of emotions. We should be becoming parents next month, not just trying to get pregnant. We should be bringing our sweet Chase home from the hospital and be sleep-deprived, but happy. Instead, we may be starting our next round next month or possibly getting a positive pregnancy test. Exciting, but I so wish we were going to be bringing Chase home instead.
Also, there are a few people I knew who were also pregnant and close to me, one was my cousin who was about 5-6 weeks ahead of me and the other was a co-worker of my Mom and sister's who's about 5-6 weeks behind me. Well, my cousin just had her baby boy a few days ago and it hurts so much to know they're at home now with their little boy and I'll never get to have that with my sweet Chase. My Mom and sister's co-worker posted a picture of her pregnant belly on Facebook a few weeks ago and I nearly lost it. I haven't seen her since before she got pregnant, so it was so hard seeing her big belly and knowing mine would be like that too by now. I never really got to the point where I looked "pregnant." My family and friends could probably tell my stomach had gotten larger, but to most people, I'm sure I just looked fat (still). Another reason I'm extra emotional is probably because I'm on my period right now, so I'm sure that's making me extra emotional and hormonal.
The thing about grief is that it can be so unexpected. There have been certain things that I thought were going to be really hard for me and they turned out not to be and other times, I'm completely caught off-guard by the sadness. I have felt guilty for feeling too "ok" sometimes, so sometimes it's nice to feel the pain again. The pain is a reminder to me of how much I love and miss my sweet Chase and that his loss was real...that he was real.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Stand-still
Some days, like today, I find myself in a 'funk' and I don't feel like doing anything other than staying at home and confining myself to my little bubble. To be completely honest, I would really like to stay in bed all day, but at some point I normally force myself to get out of bed. It's days like today that are the hardest for me. I always think about Chase all day, each and every day. But on days like these, I allow myself to wonder what my day would be like instead, if I were still pregnant with him.
I would be 33 weeks pregnant right now and I can't help but thinking what that would be like. I'm sure by now, I'd be complaining about the horrible heat here in Houston, how it is even worse since being huge and pregnant. I'm sure I'd be feeling body aches and I'd be having trouble sleeping, most likely heartburn as well. But I would also be feeling my sweet little Chase kicking, punching, hiccuping, squirming and moving around inside of me. I got to feel his little kicks and movements for 2 glorious days before he was born. I remember feeling him kick for the last time right after they moved me into my delivery room. After that, I think I was too drugged and unconscious to recall if I felt him after that.
I would give anything to feel those sweet movements inside of me again. I can perfectly recall what they felt like and I miss them so much. It makes me sad that Greg never got to feel Chase kick from the outside - he was just too small. But I know by now, Greg would be able to feel him kick and probably see my stomach moving while he did it! I am so sad that there are a lifetime of memories we will miss out on with our sweet Chase. We will never see him as a full-term baby, cut his first tooth, takes his first steps, go to kindergarten, play sports/a musical instrument, get in a fight with his best friend, go out on his first date, experience his first heartache, graduate high school/college, get a job, get married, have his own children...the list could go on exponentially.
A couple weekends ago, my brother proposed to his long-time girlfriend. I am so happy for them that they are finally at this point and they can start planning their lives together. But at the same time, it is sad for me, because I realize that everyone else's lives are still continuing on, as if nothing ever happened, meanwhile I feel like my life is at a stand-still. I don't expect everyone to quit moving on and remain focused solely on us losing Chase, but Greg and I are still at that point.
We are going to start trying to get pregnant again this coming month, and while I'm very excited and nervous, I'm not able to plan anything yet. Even once I am able to (God-willing) get pregnant again, I'm not sure how long it will take me before I'm able to dream and plan for our future again. I am so scared of planning for another baby and envisioning our future together, just for it to be cut short, as it was with Chase. I want to trust in God and know that everything will be alright, but the truth is, I don't know what he has planned for us. Just because we already experienced infertility and lost Chase doesn't exclude us from having another heartache. We don't know what God's plan is for us and what His ultimate purpose is for us, Chase, and our future children. This is what scares me the most. I do know, however, that I will have to rely solely on God to get me through another pregnancy.
"The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away;
Blessed be the name of the LORD." - Job 1:21
I would be 33 weeks pregnant right now and I can't help but thinking what that would be like. I'm sure by now, I'd be complaining about the horrible heat here in Houston, how it is even worse since being huge and pregnant. I'm sure I'd be feeling body aches and I'd be having trouble sleeping, most likely heartburn as well. But I would also be feeling my sweet little Chase kicking, punching, hiccuping, squirming and moving around inside of me. I got to feel his little kicks and movements for 2 glorious days before he was born. I remember feeling him kick for the last time right after they moved me into my delivery room. After that, I think I was too drugged and unconscious to recall if I felt him after that.
I would give anything to feel those sweet movements inside of me again. I can perfectly recall what they felt like and I miss them so much. It makes me sad that Greg never got to feel Chase kick from the outside - he was just too small. But I know by now, Greg would be able to feel him kick and probably see my stomach moving while he did it! I am so sad that there are a lifetime of memories we will miss out on with our sweet Chase. We will never see him as a full-term baby, cut his first tooth, takes his first steps, go to kindergarten, play sports/a musical instrument, get in a fight with his best friend, go out on his first date, experience his first heartache, graduate high school/college, get a job, get married, have his own children...the list could go on exponentially.
A couple weekends ago, my brother proposed to his long-time girlfriend. I am so happy for them that they are finally at this point and they can start planning their lives together. But at the same time, it is sad for me, because I realize that everyone else's lives are still continuing on, as if nothing ever happened, meanwhile I feel like my life is at a stand-still. I don't expect everyone to quit moving on and remain focused solely on us losing Chase, but Greg and I are still at that point.
We are going to start trying to get pregnant again this coming month, and while I'm very excited and nervous, I'm not able to plan anything yet. Even once I am able to (God-willing) get pregnant again, I'm not sure how long it will take me before I'm able to dream and plan for our future again. I am so scared of planning for another baby and envisioning our future together, just for it to be cut short, as it was with Chase. I want to trust in God and know that everything will be alright, but the truth is, I don't know what he has planned for us. Just because we already experienced infertility and lost Chase doesn't exclude us from having another heartache. We don't know what God's plan is for us and what His ultimate purpose is for us, Chase, and our future children. This is what scares me the most. I do know, however, that I will have to rely solely on God to get me through another pregnancy.
"The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away;
Blessed be the name of the LORD." - Job 1:21
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Who knew painting my toenails could be so emotional?
So earlier today, I was talking with a friend about pedicures. It reminded me of the last pedicure I got - the weekend before Chase was born. My brother-in-law was getting married, so I went with my mother-in-law and two of her friends to get pedicures before the big day. I got a very light pink color on my fingernails and toenails. Little did I know this color would become significant to me. Five days after my brother and sister-in-laws' wedding, I gave birth to Chase. Chase was born on April 21 and I didn't remove (what was left of) my light pink nail polish on my toenails until last Friday, July 22 - almost 3 months to the day. My fingernail polish has long since been removed because it was chipping, so I took it off probably a week or two later. I kept looking at my toenails thinking "Euuw...I really need to re-paint those" but then I would remember that I got that nail polish when Chase was with me. He was with me that day, at my brother-in-law's wedding and for five more days after that. I wore that light pink nail polish when I was in labor with him, and after, when I held his beautiful, lifeless body. I don't know why, but it was so hard for me to remove that nail polish. It was sad for me after I took it off of my fingernails, and maybe that's why I held off taking it off of my toenails? I'm not sure...but now that I have, I feel like it was a big step for me, however stupid it may sound. I will never forget my sweet little Chase, but at some point, I have to start moving on with my life. I won't be moving on by myself though - I have Greg by my side all the time, the Lord who is my strength, and I'll be carrying my sweet Chase in my heart.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Trying again...
Initially after losing Chase, the thought of getting pregnant again at all in the near future was daunting to me. It scared me to think about possibly losing another child and it scared me even more to think that if I did, Chase would be forgotten...by us, our families, friends and just people in general. It scared me so much that at my 2 week postpartum visit to my doctor, I asked for birth control! I have never taken birth control before, but I was willing to at this point to prevent a pregnancy. I have always heard of women being extremely fertile after having a baby and now I've heard, after having a loss as well. I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), so avoiding pregnancy was never really a problem. My body does that naturally. However, it seems that in some women with PCOS, this after birth/loss fertility boost was real. Some women will go on to get pregnant again and never have another problem conceiving, or just go on to having normal cycles again.
After taking the birth control for a month, I had time to calm down and quit freaking out about getting pregnant again. In that time, I started realizing that while I was still devastated from losing Chase, I DID want to be pregnant again. I came so close to finally having a child and being a Mommy. Don't get me wrong - Chase IS my child and I AM his Mommy, but we never get to spend time together here on Earth (besides my pregnancy). Our time will be in Heaven and I look forward to eternity with him so much! But now the dilemma is if I do get pregnant again, will he be forgotten? Will I be able to handle another pregnancy without going insane from the fears?
I have met with a MFM (Maternal Fetal Medicine - High risk) ob and she told me I would get a preventative cerclage placed around 14 weeks. On first thought, it sounds great, but then I start thinking...that's only 4 weeks before I started experiencing my symptoms from Incompetent Cervix when I was pregnant with Chase. Will that be soon enough? Will my water break anyways? What if I get an infection and my baby dies or my water breaks again and I have to deliver early again? These are just some of the questions and fears that I have rotating around in my head. But despite all the fear, Greg and I both feel like we are ready to move on and start the process of trying to get pregnant again. I'm sure it will be hard and even harder when I'm pregnant, because of all the memories I have of being pregnant with Chase, but this is what we have to do in order to have kids.
Initially, I had set Chase's due date (September 17) as the date we had to reach before trying again. But, now I don't feel like we need to get there first. That will still be a very hard and significant day for me, but it's not a necessity that we get there before trying to make Chase a big brother! I'm so excited, yet nervous to start this whole process. We have waited almost 6 years to become parents and even if we get pregnant soon, it will be at least 6 1/2 yrs before we bring a baby home! I hope I can relax and give my fears to God so I won't be a basketcase throughout this entire process! Easier said than done, though!
After taking the birth control for a month, I had time to calm down and quit freaking out about getting pregnant again. In that time, I started realizing that while I was still devastated from losing Chase, I DID want to be pregnant again. I came so close to finally having a child and being a Mommy. Don't get me wrong - Chase IS my child and I AM his Mommy, but we never get to spend time together here on Earth (besides my pregnancy). Our time will be in Heaven and I look forward to eternity with him so much! But now the dilemma is if I do get pregnant again, will he be forgotten? Will I be able to handle another pregnancy without going insane from the fears?
I have met with a MFM (Maternal Fetal Medicine - High risk) ob and she told me I would get a preventative cerclage placed around 14 weeks. On first thought, it sounds great, but then I start thinking...that's only 4 weeks before I started experiencing my symptoms from Incompetent Cervix when I was pregnant with Chase. Will that be soon enough? Will my water break anyways? What if I get an infection and my baby dies or my water breaks again and I have to deliver early again? These are just some of the questions and fears that I have rotating around in my head. But despite all the fear, Greg and I both feel like we are ready to move on and start the process of trying to get pregnant again. I'm sure it will be hard and even harder when I'm pregnant, because of all the memories I have of being pregnant with Chase, but this is what we have to do in order to have kids.
Initially, I had set Chase's due date (September 17) as the date we had to reach before trying again. But, now I don't feel like we need to get there first. That will still be a very hard and significant day for me, but it's not a necessity that we get there before trying to make Chase a big brother! I'm so excited, yet nervous to start this whole process. We have waited almost 6 years to become parents and even if we get pregnant soon, it will be at least 6 1/2 yrs before we bring a baby home! I hope I can relax and give my fears to God so I won't be a basketcase throughout this entire process! Easier said than done, though!
Monday, July 25, 2011
To my sweet little boy
Dear Chase,
I miss you so much, my sweet little boy. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me - being pregnant with you, and getting to be your Mommy. I wish so much that you were still here with us, safe inside of me. But you are with Jesus, and in all honesty, I know that you are in better hands there than you would be here. It is the selfish part of me that wants you here with me. I wanted to be able to hold you, rock you, nurse you, cuddle you, tickle you, teach you. I wanted to see who you would have looked like, what personality you would have had, what your interests would have been. We were lucky enough to get to see and hold you after you were born. You were so much more beautiful than I could have even imagined. You look a lot like your Daddy. You have his legs, knees, jawline, mouth and possibly eyes. You do have one thing of Mommy's though - you have my nose. I'm not sure what color hair you would have had, if it would have been straight like mine or curly like your Dad's. I'm also not sure what color eyes you would have had, but I know they would have melted my heart. I think about you every moment of every day. I may be able to have conversations with people and watch tv, but part of my thoughts are always on you. I honestly hope that never changes - it makes me feel connected to you. I used to be scared to die and go to Heaven, but now I would be happy to go to Heaven so I could join you. Please save a place for me and Daddy, sweet boy. We will join you as soon as we can. Until then, enjoy singing with the angels and playing in paradise.
All of my love,
Mommy
I miss you so much, my sweet little boy. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me - being pregnant with you, and getting to be your Mommy. I wish so much that you were still here with us, safe inside of me. But you are with Jesus, and in all honesty, I know that you are in better hands there than you would be here. It is the selfish part of me that wants you here with me. I wanted to be able to hold you, rock you, nurse you, cuddle you, tickle you, teach you. I wanted to see who you would have looked like, what personality you would have had, what your interests would have been. We were lucky enough to get to see and hold you after you were born. You were so much more beautiful than I could have even imagined. You look a lot like your Daddy. You have his legs, knees, jawline, mouth and possibly eyes. You do have one thing of Mommy's though - you have my nose. I'm not sure what color hair you would have had, if it would have been straight like mine or curly like your Dad's. I'm also not sure what color eyes you would have had, but I know they would have melted my heart. I think about you every moment of every day. I may be able to have conversations with people and watch tv, but part of my thoughts are always on you. I honestly hope that never changes - it makes me feel connected to you. I used to be scared to die and go to Heaven, but now I would be happy to go to Heaven so I could join you. Please save a place for me and Daddy, sweet boy. We will join you as soon as we can. Until then, enjoy singing with the angels and playing in paradise.
All of my love,
Mommy
Officially joining the "blogosphere"
For years, I have enjoyed reading blogs. Daily, I would go to my favorite blogs and read the updates and feel like I really got to know these people and their lives. I contemplated starting a blog, but who would want to read about my life - it is boring and honestly, I don't think anybody would care to read about it, including me! But now, after losing Chase, I have attempted to start keeping a journal to write my thoughts in, but it is so much easier to type than write! I have given myself a hand cramp every time I've written in my journal! So, for now, this is the easier option. I can write down what I'm thinking quickly and easily. I have been thinking about writing letters to Chase...maybe that can be my next entry.
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